Speech: How to use Google

Warning: contains… references…

Many, many people rely on Google to get things done. A few, a very few, including Keifer Sutherland (the lead actor for the hit TV show, 24), don’t know how to use a computer at all. Here, in this step-by-step tutorial, I will assume that you don’t know how to use a computer. Or anything, for that matter. This tutorial is meant to be used for people who use Windows computers. If you don’t know whether or not your computer runs Windows, ask someone.
There are, like all things, right and wrong ways of using Google. We’ll cover what’s right and wrong later. But for now: here’s how to use it.
You start by finding a computer. Now find a chair. Take the chair, and sit down in front of the computer. You do this by standing in front of it first; place your hand on the back of the chair for stability. Slowly bend your knees. Be careful not to do it too quickly, or you might hurt yourself; too slowly, and you might tire yourself out before you’ve finished. Slowly ease your butt onto the seat. Now you can relax. You’ve done well so far.
Bring your hands up. The left one should go onto the big rectangle to your left; your right, on the elliptical, bean-shaped thing on your right. The thing under your right hand is called a mouse. Stroke it to show it that you come in peace. Put your hand around it and grip it, but not too tightly; you don’t want to hurt it. After all, it’s what you’ll probably be using the most. You don’t want it to run away on you. Now look at it. You should see two buttons. Your pointer finger goes on the left; your middle finger on the right (when you bring your finger down on either of the buttons, the buttons should make a very distinct clicking noises).
Assuming that your computer is on and running, you should jiggle the mouse a little so you can find the pointer on-screen. Bring your pointer down to the bottom-left corner of the screen. There should be a button larger than the others down there. Click it.
A menu should come up. Click the very top icon, labeled “Internet” in bold letters. It should open up your internet browser (assuming you are connected to the internet). Find the bar near the top with the http:// in it. Click that bar, and the words in it will be highlighted in blue. Now, take your right hand off the mouse and put it on the keyboard.
Look at your keyboard. See the little ridges on the “f” and “j” key? That’s where your pointer fingers go. Now, when you press down on these keys, the letter that corresponds to that key will appear in the bar. Type in “g-o-o-g-l-e-.-c-o-m.” and press the “Enter” key. When you type, type delicately. If you do it too hard, then you might make loud noises. But do it hard enough for a response.
Congratulations! You are now on Google. You are now ready to search. To do this, start typing words you wish to look up. Say, for example, you want to look up Dell. So you type in Dell and press your enter key. It’s that easy!
How Google works is, it searches all around the internet for the website that is most linked to by other websites, if that makes sense. The site that has to most websites linking to it will usually be on top.
Now that you know how to use Google, you need to know how NOT to use Google. Here’s an example. You do NOT bang on the keyboard for fun. You do NOT try to feed your mouse; it’s been engineered to not have to eat, ever. You do NOT bathe your mouse, it will only result in its unhappiness. You do NOT search “sausages” when you’re supposed to do be doing yard work. You do NOT search for things that would be considered “inappropriate”; they will only damage your computer. You do NOT look for illegally acquired movies, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT search for Google on Google. You will override the server, which will result in a crash and an epic failure of your intranetz.
Great! You know how to use Google now! Congratulations! You are one step closer to becoming the great Google-er that you wish you were. Have fun with your Google. Be sure to it keep it clean, and try not to damage it by using it too often. Have a nice day!


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